I'm really tired of letting my college student writer out on this and constantly rereading, proofing and always making sure everything I have written is novel worthy with just the right descriptive word so that someone understands. It doesn't matter anymore, people who care will get the basic gist of the idea, and the ones who really care will surly hear me on it, and the ones who haven't been there yet will surely end up there because apparently even the good people can't win. Fuck it, whatever is here is here, I'm not messing with this horrible thing whatever it is again, most of what I feel or how I feel is bsically here in some shape way or form, and I'm too tired of it to continue to elaborate on corroborating examples of my own stupidity and blindness. It's not like I want proof to remember it by. I also could use some sleep finally.

Ok, this is a sort of letter/rant journal to my now ex-boyfriend who commited the worst relationship murder out there and my current feelings. It's rather jumbled because as I thought of things I just tacked them onto the end or where I currently was and then would pick up from where I left off around it. It gets the idea across though, what he did and how I feel, and how I feel like I was some meat heiffer being led to slaughter as a sacrifice to his real true love. If I'm not utterly shocked and totally reeling I'm sobbing, so I'm sticking with the former. I never, considering how I thought I knew him, would have thought that this would ever have been me. I just . . . am completely broken hearted, lost and blown away.


I've been cheated on. Wes Saunders cheated on me. I'm just so utterly in shock, half the time I'm just stoned faced. . . or an absolute wreck, there is no in-between. I just DON'T get it. I just cannot express how positively speechless I am that he would do this to me. He's been cheated on himself, he knows what it's like to have the person you love, whom you thought loved you back, just turn on you for someone else, so you would assume that a person would never want to knowingly put you, the person they supposedly love, through the pain that they know so well. But you didn't just find someone else, someone new, but it was the woman who chose heroin over you . . years ago. The woman that you took back countless times, for cheating on you, telling lies (sound familiar?) just for her to hurt you again. Shame on you! You know better, why would you knowingly do that to someone else, someone you supposedly would do anything for, when you know just how damned painful it is?? The woman you professed wanted so little to do with you didn't even want to mention her name. But no, you not only lied about her first contacting you, but you swore up and down that you didn't like her like that at all. And yet, the contact continued, deepening as you went, I should have seen the signs. The 2 hour long phone call where you guys caught up and then the more worrisome, playing of the 'Remember When' game for an hour. I wondered, but you promised me you had no feelings for her like that, that you were just happy to see her doing well and not strung out, and even though I was a little put out by it, by the way you talked about her, I believed you. You seem to love me so much, the way you would look at me, the way people said you looked at me, and you abhorred cheating because you said you'd been there, I trusted you. I never knew just how much you had my heart til now. You had me convinced I was the only girl for you. So much so I was always afraid I'd break your heart, not the other way around. And you seemed honest about your feelings for her, although it was obvious she still had hold of one last heart string, I was naive in thinking it was just the 'first love' thing. Apparently her's was better attached to your heart than everyone of mine. I thought they were all mine. And then you guys hung out. HUNG OUT. In our old room, the room where we hung out and made love and watched movies, entertained company and enjoyed each other's company. You let her go down on you. There wasn't just some gropey gropey keep your hands to yourself. No, she got your dick out of your pants and it made it all the way into her mouth. I guess a blow job really does get you everywhere. I'm sure she didn't just whip it out either, so there was plenty of time for you to say 'no', but you didn't. Knowing you, you probably got it out for her and wiggled it about. You probably kissed her. And then you kissed me like it was nothing. Bastard! And what really just blows my mind was it was in OUR bed! OUR BED!! The one where we watched movies, where we took care of each other when we were sick, where we screwed and made love and had fun, where we slept in and had lazy days and smoked pot in. Where we talked about the future and told stories and just cuddled in the dark. You were the pod and I was the pea, and you fucked up the puzzle. My bed and blanket! Tainted. I'll never be able to use my favorite bed spread again, besides the fact it's riddled with holes now. Just like my heart. Shot through with your cheating, uncaring arrow. It really shows just how much I meant to you. No matter how much I stuck by your side, I always felt like I wasn't doing enough and felt like an uncommited g/f when I wasn't in the mood, but it was never really reciprocated and when you did do something you felt was nice for me you'd puff up like a rooster looking for praise when you did. I always just chalked it up to you never getting compliments from girls and so you were used to fishing for them. I kept thinking I was different, I went into this relationship determined to prove to you that all girls were not drug addicted whores. Tonight, you had me thinking I was making headway in helping you become a whole person again. Apparantly, broken people want their broken people no matter how much they hurt each other and are willing to hurt others and I really was the rebound, something to bolster your confidence again. All night tonight, you would just watch me, and smile and you seemed like I was your world. The compliments and staring were a little thick, but I figured it was the drug, and I liked it. I only hoped I could make you feel the same way. But you fucking cheated on me. All those things you said, all those looks you gave. None of it matters. You just made everything fake and not worth a damn. You didn't mean any of it. You can say whatever you want til you're blue in the face, that you love me, that you're oh so sorry, that she doesn't mean anything, but you were always good at talkin the talk and never the walk and makin everything seem like someone else's fault, unless there was no way around it in which case you became Eeyore 'Oh woe is me, I'm such an aweful boyfriend, I'm sorry.' Walk the walk next time, for once. Maybe you won't break as many hearts and still get what you want. Life takes effort. Maybe now you'll just get what you deserve. Well, I hope you like the decision you made because you're stuck with the concsequences. I forgave that one lie, even though it was a rule breaker and involved your ex of ex's (and I see now just how big of an atrocious lie it was). But I trusted you, we always seemed to manage to work through out shit, usually cuz I just let things go for you, which is hard for me. But you always had a way of twisting words around. Half the time I'd give in just cuz I couldn't think in circles quite like you. And also cuz I knew I could be a hard-nose and hard headed and was trying to meet you half way. Trying to be a better person, a better g/f for you. I used to think you were just the poor guy who just wanted a girl to call his own and had a knack for picking the worst ones that always hurt you. I wanted to be the one that made the difference. I slowly came to realize that you got them because it's how you acted. You get half-assed g/f's for half-assed effort. You're loving only when it suites you, sex, going out, what to do, everything is on your time. Thank goodness I'm medicated and it kills my sex drive, or I'd be just as frustrated as when we lived together. Wasted efforts on somene who could have cared less. You had agreed to go to Australia. I couldn't believe it, but I figured hey, something I want to do for once, and it's something I've wanted to do before you came along, and with your current behavior, current events not withstanding, I figured something I should stick to. Good thing I never doubted myself. But not now, you fucked up, this is it. One little lie, which I didn't just let slide, I forgave and forgot you for, and then you go and do this to me. How could you? How. Could. You?? You're a fucking asshole who deserves all the pain you get. I hope you wallow and realize what you lost. And I hope everyone berates you for throwing me away for what you will get, because yes I'm spiteful and my heart is shattered but maybe you'll learn something from it. But I'm sure you knew that already, seeing as you've been there before and I can just see your personal pity party that will ensue. I hope you two are very happy together because it's apparent that's what you really want. I'm what you want when I'm staring you in the face, but Kim is what your heart truely desires. That's obvious, don't speak to her in two years and what you and I had was never good enough. No wonder you never made an effort to keep me when I got kicked out, or help find a new place for us to be together again, or made any great effort that required you to put any true energy forward. Parading around like you care by watching my drug use under the guise that you never would let what happened to you happen again. You always did look out for yourself first and I was just lucky to fall in if I did at all. You just sat where you were and did your thing anyway cuz you didn't really need me like you constantly said you did and I let you. I drove over there nearly every day to get you, and shouffer you around and you betray my heart. You take it and then give it back in a million pieces. You just lost the best girl you ever had and you're not going to be forgiven. This was enexcusible and I can never ever trust ever again. I let you get away with SOOO much crap. Either cuz I didn't want to be like all your evil g/f's of the past, or because I was trying to be a more forgiving person. You fucked it all up. Everything we had, all the laughs and inside jokes, and all the things we wanted to do together. Or atleast that's how I thought it was. You told me you wanted to marry me. All on the same night that you profess you cheated on me. You're a selfish, self-serving asshole. I thought you cared and loved me. I really did. I can never trust you again. I'm just . . blown away. . . and eternally hurt. Thanx for nothing. I can't believe you'd throw away 'the best girl you ever had' for one that threw you away. No wonder you kept laying all the compliments on thick, I thought it was just the molly talking, but no, you were trying to soften the blow of my hand against your cheek. You're the kinda of guy that parades around as one of the hurt ones that will do nothing but pamper you, but after dating it turns out your selfish and self centered and you're love and convictions don't run near as deep as you say that do, more talk, no walk. You screw it up for the real ones because the girls who get stuck with the liers can't trust anyone anymore. Not only does it just hurt so much because I NEVER, EVER would have ever guess you'd do this to me but it hurts that it was HER of all people, in OUR bed, in OUR room in a house we shared and did so much together in. All this time you might as well have been calling me Kim after all. That's all I ever was to you. Or a place holder til she decided she wanted you back. Well, I hope you enjoy her, cuz you're all hers now. I wash my hands of all this stress and pain. I will give you this, you had me completely, and totally fooled. The only reason you tried to stop me is cuz you realized that you've finally crossed the unforgivable line and so started back tracking. That oh shit, she really is finally fed up, I can't get myself out of this one. I'm going to lose her, and well, she's not Kim, but she's too good not to keep around. You have committed the unforgivable offense. I can never, ever trust you completely again. I can't believe you, I really can't. i hope you know you broke my heart, and it hurts more than even I would have ever guessed. You had my heart even more than I knew. I wonder now if I did a good job at all. Obviously not. I guess this explains why you always laid it on thick or not at all. How sometimes you just irritated me or I irritated you. How we would bicker over certain things. I thought that was just us that not all relationships are the same, everyone's different and they fit with other people differently. Now I know better. I should have known all along. I kept saying he walks the walk but doesn't talk the talk but I didn't pay attention and we see where that gets me. I feel so used. And to think we were having so much fun tonight. Who knew the mountain I was trying to climb when I kept saying 'I'm not Kim'. You never quit thinking about her for a minute. All this time, I never mattered.

Boy I have not been keeping up with this thing like I'd hoped and serious shit has gone down too. I've actually been at my computer relatively often lately too, picked WoW back up. It helps though that I've started dragging my computer around with me though, so I have it at Wes's and on nights when I'm stuck at home I play WoW. Well, I play WoW at Wes's too cuz he's always playing games too. So I dunno why I haven't gotten around to adding more journals other than I've been photoshoping a little, playing a fair amount of WoW and just remembering it's here and getting a chance to pour out my feelings. And so much shit has gone down with my parents I really, really wish I had kept up with all that here. Anyway, I thought of it and I certainly have time on my hands at this moment, as Wes, Mr Gameboy, has been playing Soul Calibur allllll evening. Before that it was Call of Duty. We ate dinner I guess around 8:30 or so, and he was playing CofD before that and it's now 12:30 and he's still play SC. I'm getting tired of it. I'm just getting bored in general. We hardly ever fool around, and when we do, he jumps right to it, there's no foreplay at all. Given, he's not Britt, and I'm looking for what I know, but . . . I'm horny! I want to get laid! I want to just plain fool around, it doesn't even have to be all out sex. And not just a few times every few weeks.
I really thought we were gonna click in between the sheets, we seem to have the same kinks, he liked to be in control, I like to be submissive. He likes to be on top, I like to be on bottom. He doesn't constantly pressure me into doing something I don't want to, he's up to doing the naughty in strange and interesting places. However, he does like to watch and I'm all about sensory deprivation. But no, his sex drive is so low that I can nibble on him til kingdom come and he just sits and keeps playing his game. He gropes me alot, but it doesn't really go anywhere. I figure, and I'm guessing, that maybe the girl who gave him herpes just hurt him so in the right way that it ruined sex for him or it lost its thrill or maybe someone else hurt him somehow or maybe he was just meant to be this way, but it's driving me nuts, and that makes me feel shallow. I even just want to make out. It's fun to just make out and feel around and strip each other. Or when saying good bye or sitting in the car. His good byes are like a minute when I'm looking for a 20 minute good bye. I think we made out like two or three times, which started ending in sex and was a ton of fun but then we instantly went into old couple mode. I felt sorta this way before months ago, and then all of a sudden, my feelings picked up and I was head over heals and ready to tie the knot. Now i feel even worse. And it's not just that, but his lack of interest in me physically is naturally impacting my self esteem. I don't have the courage to just go nuts on him like I would Britt (plus he's also WAY WAY skinner which makes me look/feel gross. Plus, I hate talking about the ex, no hard feelings toward him or anything, he's just in my past and I don't like comparing the two) Oh grr. I try and attack him and he just continues to do what he's doing, or shows mild interest, and then continues whatever it was he was doing. He'll even discourage me, like the other morning and we woke up and he's got a stiffy and he's like you don't have to play with it baby, it's just morning wood. or today when i was sort of just like face planting his crotch (clothes on) with my mouth gaping and after about the 10th time he tells me hasn't had a shower in like three days and would probably be kinda musty. I'm dumbstruck. What guy doesn't want a chick to go down on him?
He went down on me for like two seconds I think like the very first time we had sex and he's never tried it since. Although he did suggest 69 once and I turned him down just because I like gettin' it all to myself XD I just concentrate on what I'm gettin'. He told me once that I'm the only girl he's never gotten off with any of the big three, which I had to ask what those were and they are penis, hands and tongue, so you'd think he'd want to turn me into a little project like all guys seem to, and which he actually talked about it now that I think about it, but no. We're just in two totally different places in our lives. He's partied hard and is ready to settle. I settled too early and am now ready to party. Atleast that's how I look at it, unless he really is just one of those rare guys that doesn't care much about gettin' his rocks off. I never thought I'd be so sex crazed, and at the same time I'm still a prude, I have a very narrow window of what I want. But dang it, if we fooled around, I'm sure we could widen that window and I would definitely get more confident. And I don't even get turned on that much anymore and I wonder if it's cuz I lack in stimulation or if I'm losing interest. I don't want to, I really like him, but I'm going stir crazy when it comes to this subject. I can't even pull my pouty, irritable thing, cuz I've done it so often from the start that he probably thinks it's normal. And given, we've been dating during one of the most stressful times in my recent memory, so perky, bubbly me isn't often because of that either. I'm hoping things will improve when we move.
Right at this very moment he's going through all his SC achievements with me, I try to be interested. I know he likes them cuz they add to his gamer score. But it's boring. I wish there was a way to bring this up without me feeling shallow and him feeling hurt. Cuz I'm so frustrated and and I'm sure it could be fixed. Atleast I think sometimes, other times I wonder if it can ever be improved upon. I'll have an idea and then not have the courage to try it. Or I'll think things are getting better and they'll return to the way they were. I'ma post this as is.

So,to update this seeing as my last entry was 10 whole weeks ago! Oh my gosh, so much has changed and so much has happened. But we all know why I haven't updated this thing and it's cuz I'm trying my damndest to not be home. Which means I'm never near my computer.

This seemed so much easier to write after I'd just told a bunch of this to a friend and then was coming here to flesh out the details. It just didn't make much sense telling it to her (Fala). Now that I've gone out and cleaned out my car and did a favor to Jeremy, picking up Brittney at karate and taking Mandy to Miss. Martin's, the 92 year old invalid, I can't remember much or don't feel like writing this journal. Maybe if I start it off with I miss Wes, that will help, cuz man I do. I hate not seeing him everyday. I can't wait til we move. I'll get to see him everyday, not have to drive forever and a day to do so, and I'll get to go to sleep with him and wake up next to him everyday, something I've never been able to do before. 4 days I think has been our maximum.
Now that I'm off these meds I get all gooshy about him now. Either a switch flipped somewhere or these meds were suppressing my emotions. Which just makes me very sad. I feel like I blew our giddy period when I had always planned to make it the best ever of any relationship I'd had cuz I knew it was coming and I wanted to take full advantage of it. He has been all over me, I actually figured out what he meant by smothering. I thought physical, but it was emotional. He's since backed off, he must do it in spells. Oh I dunno, I mean, it just seems awful convenient that I'm all over him now that I've quit taking that Lexapro. I mean, maybe a switch really did flip, I mean some would say med's can't cause that big of a change but . . . poop. All I know now is I want to keep him forever and I seriously would not mind being a Saunders, however we couldn't afford it and I don't want to get into all that planning mess yet. I'm still enjoying being boyfriend/girlfriend too. No need to rush things :) (I hope I cooked the bacon and eggs I just ate thoroughly enough) I really wish he had a special necklace he wore or something, something of his he wears all the time I could steal and wear. How do you hint at a promise ring? *happy sigh*
Ok, I'm tired and not in the mood for writing so I guess I'll come back to these topics. Hopefully anyway, life's been incredibly stressed lately and I need to document it.

Even though it's sort of an old topic, I still feel the need to post about it here. It will probably be good for me to 'think' about it on paper and it's important and will be good to be able to come back to and I have it down, yada yada and all those kinds of things.

So it turns out Wes has herpes. It just sounds kinda ew but it doesn't bother me incredibly. I just hope I don't catch it. Apparently he got it from a girl he'd been dating when he lived at the beach and she cheated on him. I know he's had it at least a year since he's got this Myspace story about it and it's dated a year ago. And it seems he had been dealing with it for awhile since then so. According to MJ he shouldn't break out anymore unless he's stressing, and he told me he knew his signs so I think I'll be ok. And we all know how I reread these things as I write and it doesn't sound really that ew anymore. But the consensus that I took seems that most people would deal with it if they liked the person. And what's really weird is that we seem to be doing so much better now that that's been thoroughly dealt with. I mean, I had already made plans to sit him down and talk about our lack of communication and sex. He spent like the first two weeks of our relationship all over me. I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I even like the guy and he can't get enough of me. I liked when we made out hard core on the couch. I loved how the first time I was just covered up because between him and his hoodie I was swallowed up, just blanketed. He dragged out old photos and art projects and his old sketch book and talked to me about stuff. And then he totally backed off and I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't get him horny no matter how hard i tried, he quit talking to me, I felt like we had been dating for a year and were stuck in that 'comfortable' rut already and I'm like 'what?? where's my novelty?! we're still new!!' Well, it seems by having this whole thing blow up about his whatever and I guess all that cleared up too? I guess we just kinda laid everything out on the table. Cuz now he's definitely attacking me more, I hope he's enjoying himself, it's pointless if he's not, it's supposed to be 50/50. And he seems to be talking more, like there isn't this wall or something bothering him. He SWORE he thought I knew, swore up and down. So what was bugging him if it wasn't that? But yeah, he swore he thought I knew and what do you say to that? All my arguments were geared to be yelling at him because he was afraid to tell me, irresponsible, you don't care, etc. Of course, I hung up on him the first time cuz I just couldn't talk to him, good ol' me and my cracking voice. And it took him two days to call me back. I missed him those days. alot. I hung out with Jeremy, the one who started the whole thing by accident, and drove him nuts XD And then I sat on my drive way on a warm evening and we hashed it out. I had the guy pretty much crying, I was trying not to. He called me by my name, instead of baby, he was that serious. I believed him, I really did. I was convinced. I felt like I was one of those girls taking back a bad guy telling MJ about it but he had me thoroughly convinced. Plus, I really missed him. I just wanted to have a hug again and the open Wes that I originally had. Mom actually went out of town on a good week. Otherwise she would have wondered what was bothering me so badly and why I hadn't seen Wes in days. And I don't like how this has laid events down at ALL. It was much more emotional. This just sounds like a gloss over. I left out all the emotions and half the details. Don't like it all. I remember it better than it's described here. I doubt I'll be able to fix it though. Now it's stuck this way and will start to corrupt the story in my head too.

Wesley actually said 'if' he has kids the other day. I was like wha?? Maybe it was cuz we had talked about names earlier that day so he figured if I can talk names then he can say if to be fair. I could see us being together and he not have kids. After about a month, I guess when I actually started to really like him, the whole 'we're ultimately doomed because he wants kids' just kinda left my mind. I really don't want to deny him of kids, he would make a great, great daddy but if he'd rather keep me around or god forbid I want them too then ya know. I guess it was kind of an excuse at the time since I wasn't sure how I felt about him. And while they are cute and they've sorta grown on me, in that I kinda know how to treat them now, I still don't want to sign over 20 years of my life and deal with when they get sick and such. I can see Wes and I having a lot of pets (PETS, i was watching tv and typing at the same time and said kids O_____O help) I can just see me having kids so I can have some real purpose in my life. Totally a bad reason but it would definitely give me true purpose, raising a functioning member of society.

I'm fighting the urge to say 'I love you' to him, but I want to be absolutely sure when I do, and I don't want to be embarrassed about it at all, cuz feelings do that to me and finding the right moment and all that, so you don't feel silly and taking into account that he's already dropped that bomb over a month ago and I was informed not long ago that he felt we were moving to fast, hence why he backed off the way he did. I guess with his bombs and then me saying yeah lets move in it hit him. Maybe we will at the end of the summer, seems like a good time frame, now I really want to live with him. I can't get enough XD I want him to call me honey just cuz that's like the hard core relationship cute name but at the same time I like being his baby just because we're still free like that.

Since I have nothing really to complain about or rave about but I want to keep this (stopped for dinner) updated about me then I think I will leave a little update.

Got a new phone yesterday. It was a toss up between Sprint and Verizon but considering that even though I'd be saving $120 a year, at least for this year, (which gets me now, why didn't I think of year 2?) when you think about how I'd be losing my IN family, my $50 credit towards a new phone, and I'd be buying their phone outright and also paying an activation fee, I figured that I wasn't saving much and I was still keeping my family IN. I forgot about the second $120 I'd be saving. Ah well, too late now.

Got my lip pierced. I like it alot. A little surprised at how much it clicks against my teeth, but I think once I get used to it and maybe get a seamless ring, I won't have too many problems. Mom is pretty ticked though, which I don't entirely get because she went with me the day before. I think she was just enjoying hanging out, we were out just running some errands, so when I said wanna go with me to get a hole punched she was like 'yeah'. So we went to Sadu, wasn't impressed, walked across the street to a tattoo place, forget the name, they didn't do body piercing, walked to Ace just around the corner, neither did they so we went home cuz she wasn't willing to drive anywhere else. I can't blame her at all, her feet were killing her, but yet she still walked. But we were so close. Anyway, Wes and I ran to Nikki's who of which's piercer wasn't in on Mondays so we went to Rock&Roll. When Mom saw my mouth the following morning she just turned away in a huff and has hardly spoken to me all evening. Why go with me if it bothered you that much? I know you said 'get a monroe and I won't say anything' but seriously, tell me if it bothers you. edit: Dad just walked in, he doesn't like it, kinda made me feel blah, says I'm too pretty for it, but I like it, and I think cute girls can rock it. Mom must've called him, he seemed to already know.

I have my mammogram tomorrow and then my follow up with Kate Lowe on Thursday. I got outta work which is good cuz having my boob pancaked between two giant metal plates is all the stress I want tomorrow, but I hate I'm missing the hours. Maybe Wes and I can hang out when Mom goes off to work. I'm glad she's coming.

Wes and I . . . I don't know. He's just so . . . blah now haha. I mean, I'm f'in horny and he just wants to watch TV. His idea of hanging out is just being in the same room together, which we're not there yet for. He hardly ever comes over here. And then the whole weird body piercing deal, where I thought he had no interest and he said yeah, just not that day blah blah. I mean, we have alot in common, bod mod, music and movies he's just cool, we like alot of the same things, like ghost hunting shows. But it's obvious he's ready to settle and I'm . . not. I mean two months and he's happy to just be in the same room with me. I mean, how we fell into this I have no idea. I feel like we've been dating a year. Just the way we hang out and what not. I still want that freshness! So much for the crazy sex I thought we were going to have, something I thought we had in common (our styles) guess not. I hate to say it, but I don't really see this going anywhere on my end, but at the same time I want to give him a chance, I don't want to let him go. I don't exactly have guys banging down my door, although I really don't understand why, and he's really cool, just weird fall backs XD I had good things to say and something distracting came on TV. He doesn't seem to really want to move in together anymore either, which I find strange.

Ok, this was really a blah journal, more so than I intended, but Wes just informed me that he wants to go hang out with a friend of his that is being shipped out tomorrow for Iraq again so off I go. Wish my phone would hurry up and charge >_>

So, I started taking 'the pill' today. I went to the Dr. about two weeks ago and aside from other things discussed contraceptive methods since I'm finally getting laid again (thank the lord, now if I could just get over the fact that I'm worried I'm going to crush the poor guy). Since I've been on Depo and loved the 'no period' thing but got off it because of the possibility of the long term effects on thinning my bones (what with the horrible osteoporosis in my family) I was looking at the pill. Ali's on it and sings it's praises. I didn't know there was a 'no period' pill but apparently there is that's just been approved by the FDA. Enter: Lybrel. I had to wait for my period to start again before I could start taking the pill. 10:00 pm, every evening. I'm just worried about the long term effects cuz we all know I don't want kids so I plan on taking some form for a good while and also the weight gain. I've lost 10 pounds, I don't want to gain it all back and then some. I want to lose another 50 so let's maintain this streak! The thing that gets me most as I google questions like 'when does it become effective' and 'will it make me gain weight' and all I keep getting are all these women going 'not getting your period is so unatural!' 'God never intended for us not to get our period', 'nature designed us to bleed every month'. Wtf women? Come on, you don't honestly believe that? I mean, what's so wrong with not having your period? It's a godsend. No cramps, no bloating, no messy messy bleeding, no worried about your clothes, if you're close enough to a bathroom, if you have your 'supplies'. And if you're a girl like me, someone who cramps like a fucking bitch and bleeds like niagra it's terrific to not have that and also to not worry about all the garbage I'm tossing into the landfill because I have to use a pad, tampons are impossible. Imagine what your saving in ways of plastic and space in the landfill.
If you really think about it, women a hundred years ago, even fifty years ago, had alot more kids than the average women today and also lived much shorter lives. Therefore, we spent alot of our life pregnant, lactating or dead, ie: no periods. Dum dum DUM! God or nature my ass. Step into the 21st century with me people, it's easy, watch. Over and over and over, it's getting old. I even read one woman who has hellish periods herself say she wouldn't take it nor would she allow her daughter. Reminds me of my grandmother who wouldn't allow my aunt have birth control to control her periods, periods that had her in bed with rubber underwear because she bled so bad and was in such pain, because she thought it would allow her to run around and be promiscuous. How fucking archaic can you get? Archaic. Anwho, that's my rant for today.

I forgot to mention that I have to go in for a mammogram because apparently the dr. who was very nice and thorough btw, found some dense tissue. I'm not really worried about the results but I was told I was going in for an ultrasound and got the thing in the mail saying I was getting a mammogram. I'm 25!! and Janeece did not help by saying it will hurt 'less' if I inhale when they say. Gee. I also got my results in for my blood test today and my bad cholesterol is two points over what it should be so it was 'okay' rather than normal. I'm 25!! Plus my blood pressure was a bit high. I'm 25!!! for fuck's sake!!

Today was kinda shitty. I was supposed to drive up to Western for Nelm's birthday and her 'pure passion' party. I really hate I missed it. Mom said I'd look better if we did my hair and even though I was already against the clock, I listened. We all know trouble comes in threes, tried to make it up there three times, three times failed. The only thing that made me feel better was that Nelm's says everybody basically has their own place up there now and no longer lives on campus. Which means no more hanging out in front of Walker, but at least I can still come up over the summer and hopefully bring Wes seeing as his Virginia trip was the last real weekend to go up before everyone gets out for the summer. And then Mom just goes on and on about her stupid music and didn't even seem to notice that I was in extreme distress about what to do and then she patronizes me. I HATE when she treats me like a fucking nut job when she acts the same way. It's like she ignores me on purpose so I'll flip out to get attention cuz I don't know what else to do. She'll accuse me of trying to start fights. Why in hell would I want to do that? I just want help making a decision. She always wants to help me when I don't want any help and butts in and then when I'm begging for help she acts like this. She won't even look at me so when I say something then she fuckin' STARES at me. wtf?? Why does she DO that to me?? She just OOGLE me and then go 'what, you asked me to look at you'. It's like when she mocks me and pretends to be me but with a high pitched voice like she's out of third grade and every time she acts like I'm the one with the problem, I'm the crazy one. It drives me SO crazy! And she wonders what's wrong with me. UGH!!!

Days like this that make me very ready to move out. I really want my own place, take care of myself, come and go as I please, decorate. I leave for work and come home to an empty house and it doesn't bother me at all. The bills are going to kill me and I'm going to be living paycheck to paycheck, hand to mouth, and I'm going to hate it, but I'll be on my own. She's constantly throwing road blocks in my way though. I think it's pretty obvious she doesn't want me going anywhere. This room mate is dirty (Ally), that room mate she doesn' think we'll get along with (Brett) she'd much rather me move in with Wes. So when I finally say we are she's like but you need money for deposits and on and on. I give up. I'd like to be out by, oh say July. In time to have A/C for the summer. It will give Wes and I some more time too. I can take Izzy and Lance to the vet, get some contacts and get some other bill type things out of the way and then start saving for deposits and such. I'll be taking on a TON of bills all at once. Maybe I'll even get lucky and get the key at work and get a raise. I figure if Brett and Jacob and them can do it so can I. They just have more room mates than I will. We'll see. Time will tell.

So am I a horrible person for being fairly content with my life right now? I mean, this is the time I'm supposed to be on the ball, climbing the ladder of my field or going back to grad school. But I have an ok job with nice people, I have a nice guy who really likes me, and I just want to move out and have my own place. I'm content with life. Is that bad? Is it bad that I'm not doing anything with my degree and am content with life? But as I said in my DA journal I dunno, life just seems alright right now and I kinda like it. Does that mean I'll end up later struggling to get a photo job? I'm leaning towards illustration for my grad degree cuz I always want to draw. I'm always wanting to expand my abilities and with photo I feel like I need a teacher to do that although I can still think of things I want to work on, but not like my drawing. I dunno, 'we'll see' seems fitting but doesn't seem to cut it. Like I need to make decisions. Am I wrong? Or am I right since to feel content in life is the whole aim. Will I look back on it later and think I've totally fucked myself over? *sigh*

Omg! UGH! What to do? We haven't even been dating a month and he's, near as I can tell, head over heals and I'm just not. And it's not even that, I just take forever to warm up to people and plus I was set up. I'm so used to crushing on someone before I start dating them. Britt and I hung out for several months before dating. We even kinda sorta cuddled before dating. We'd just sit in his car in the afternoon and chill and I'd listen to his heart. We chatted online. . a lot. Thinking back a friend did sorta try to set us up but it wasn't the end all or be all like this one and we both already liked each other. We did it ourselves. It was much more drawn out. We made out on my couch for an entire month before Britt even touched me. I had to tell him he could. Of course, then he jumped right in. Wes and I had sex the first week, rofl. Haha, and I love that I can do that and that it didn't bother me because I am a grown woman and sex isn't a bad thing. Why am I such a prude? I hate it. I'm getting better. oh ugh. I just don't know what to think. I'm always having misgivings. I had misgivings about Britt. It just seems like I have more with Wes. But at the same time, like Wes sometimes comes across as like seriously hot, and then other times completely not. But Britt was just always cute, handsome in a sorta Americana rugged way, but never hot. And Wes and I have SO much in common Britt and I always agreed to disagree (it was almost like we were attracted as opposites and that was about it when you look back). I want someone to talk to about this. But no one is online. Well, except Sara, one of the people I can't talk to about this.
He wants to move in together. And yes I want to live with him but I'm afraid I will be doing it for the wrong reasons. Namely, to get out from under my parents. It's like, I want to move out. Period. But I'm afraid to move in with him right now, at this immediate moment, but I don't want to sign an incredibly long lease cuz then I'd have to wait to move in with him. When I apartment shop, I keep him in mind. Like, what side of town I live on. But I'm not moving in with him just to be with him. I'm also doing it to just get out. I like him, I do, but I'm certainly not head over heals. I gush about him, he's SUPER sweet


And apparently that's where I left it off . . .

Myrtle Beach Trip!!!

Which, btw, was OMG so much fun!!! Well, I gotta remember that we also had some just kinda hang around times too. Like the first night, we just sat and watched tv. I smoked up with his step mom though, that I've never done before, smoking with an adult. I was like um, hmm. And he would sleep so late and I'd toss and turn cuz the room was warm, and he was warm and he would just sleep and if he wasn't going to talk to me I wanted up but I didn't want to leave him and be out there on my own but I didn't want them thinking I slept all day either. Ah well. The trip up I was little guarded but by the time we got there it was cool. The second day we wandered the mall which was cool in that even though he's so much taller than me, it wasn't bad. He kept offering to buy me t-shirts but I would have much rather have had the shoes. When I say fun I think of the bar trip and I hate that I spent so much time on that picnic table but I didn't want to be stumbling all over the place, I didn't drink much at all. But, I was drinking on a stomach that hasn't seen near as much food as it's used to lately, plus I was smoking cigarettes and pot. But I also got to hang out with some super cool people, including the girl that I was watching, and Wes missed out on the joint they passed around. Which was more fun than watching him play bowling. I sobered up real quick after we got Wendy's which just solidified my empty stomach theory. I guess I was just hoping for a hotel room and to have Wes ALL to myself so I had to share him with his dad and what not. Which was cool, I got to meet alot of awesome people. I want to do it again!!! Too bad half those people live out of state.
It was fun spending the weekend with him though. It was my judge of wether I could live with him or to see if I should wait and then he went and did what he did. I was sorta ready to move in with him after all and then he dropped the L bomb and I'm like 'well, there went that'. I didn't want to go home at all, lol.
Funny how I write this stuff in sections. This came a day after the section below.

So, I meant to start this while I had something in my head and not start reading the one I started last week and never got to finish. Yeah, I didn't do that. I read the first sentence or so?

Um, where to start now. So Wes dropped the 'L bomb' >_> Like, it just slipped: "have a safe drive home, I love you" type thing. And then he just looked at me kinda shocked at himself, goes "well, I said it" and then grins. and I'm like uuuuuhhh . . . I'm just like OMG, wtf do I do?? I just sorta metaphorically kicked a rock and said '. . . it was outta habit' (cuz he says it to all his family, even his step dad. Although his step dad seems the type and he has been around for 11 years. That wasn't the original impression I got, he seemed new, but we all know how my intuition is. And Wes seems that kind of person too) then his phone rang. I'm sure both of us sighed a sigh of relief, but for different reasons? So he starts chatting with Chase, who's throwing his bi monthly party and I give him a hug after a bit, and he hangs up, we say good bye and I go home. But I was dumbstruck (I have to pee but Bub's has my leg pinned >_<) The one thing about Wes is that things always come up in conversation or I want them to and I miss my opportunity to throw in my two cents. Like, on the way home from Myrtle Beach yesterday, somehow and I forget how, the topic of how we just kinda jumped into this relationship at full blast came up. He was like 'yeah, we kinda just jumped right in didn't we?' and I'm like 'We didn't just jump in, we dove in head first without looking'. And now I'm wondering why I didn't ask 'how did that happen anyway?' I have SO many questions and comments addendum to the things we briefly touch on. Like, how he thinks sex isn't everything and that he's interested in the emotional aspect of a relationship too. And I should be thrilled with that it's usually the over weight, nerdy, icky looking guys who feel that way and usually because it's all they have to offer. (Then again, Josh is like that too and kinky and a fur, but he's also a virgin which means training from the ground up. Wes at least knows where everything goes. and I know Wes. Josh, never met him in real life) Most women would kill for that. And don't get me wrong it was GREAT to hear that seeing as Britt was so detached from me, especially during sex. (Then again, I guess detached down the road, we grew apart and didn't see it) But now that I have a lot more sexual freedom, I want to use it! Especially since he's so much fun ^__^ Yeah, and another one I kinda want to touch on, he asked me also in the car yesterday, about was I really telling the truth or was I just trying to make him feel better telling him he was the best I ever had cuz that must mean the other guys I've been with sucked. But he knew what he was doing and that was great. We just jumped right in and had fun. But now that he had me thinking about it "I'm like yeah, you're right, there are some things you could improve on." Like being a good tease, you don't always have to go straight for the kill. But how do you bring that up now? Now that he knows I meant the original statement and I did but there are areas to work on too, no one's perfect. Or is that just considered personal taste, something you have to learn in every new relationship?

And he loves me. How can he love me already? Ok, so he liked me in high school, and yes if I ran into say Allen Smeltzer, the one guy whom I still wonder what he's doing even after all this time, I might fall head over heals for him should he show up, and maybe I'm Wes's Allen Smeltzer, but I mean . . . . . . . . . and me I'm still trying to figure out how exactly how I feel about him, trying to ignore the 'children: ultimately doomed' idea, wondering if we're going to fast, if we could just kinda 'be' for awhile, how I went into this relationship just wanting to have some fun and companionship. I was considering moving in with him. I just was afraid of doing it because I want to get out so bad. I knew that would be part of it. But on the same token, I do want to live with him just not right now, at the same time I didn't want to sign a 6 month lease with someone else because then I would have to wait to move in with him. I was just worried that if we moved in together, he would really want to move on, and I like where we're at atm. (And I hate, that even though I'm writing this stuff down, I'm still forgetting certain things) Who knew I would be in this position. But now that he's said 'I love you' I really can't move in cuz he'll really want to move forward or take it that I love him too? And I just want to stay 'here' relationship wise. I want to move out and I really don't want to live with anyone else but . . . So I'm stuck and in deeper than before hand. (There's something niggling me about what I want to say in regards to the 'deeper' but it's the one thing I forgot that keeps nagging at me to get out.) I thought this beach trip would help work some wrinkles out, nope, just made the wrinkle deeper.

But I guess all 'n all it's cool. I'm dating a sweet guy, he's skinny and I'm not but he likes girls that way and I can totally see what Ali sees in men like him. Yummy hips. However, I want to keep losing weight, he asked the other day if his hip bones hurt the insides of my legs and of course he's probably thinking he's too boney and I'm thinking 'oh no, my vadney thighs!'. We have a lot in common, tattoos and piercings (and MAN am I itching for something again!!), he's got a great taste in movies and music and he's shown me a lot of new stuff, but I'm running into a similar problem I did with Britt, our future out looks aren't quite the same. but that's where compromise comes in I just don't seem to fit quite as well? but at the same time,

Aaaaand still didn't get a chance to finish it. We all moved into the bedroom when Mom got to not feeling well at all and she kept looking at my computer. I still won't squeeze any in now cuz they'll be home very soon with lunch and then we gotta take Ali to the airport and then she's dragging me to Statesville. But since I have something to say and haven't read the above yet to recap, then I'm going to run with my current idea before it god forbid disappears . . again. So Wes came over last night and fell asleep . . again. However, I actually fell asleep too, but I wasn't near as comfortable as the last time we tried to squish out on my couch like that. Then again, I did roll to face him and that's how I fell asleep. It was after I woke up and had no other way to lay that I was like 'this isn't working'. If he hadn't of fallen asleep and we could have readjusted together it would have been better. It's so weird though (phew, almost forgot anyway with this tangent *grumble*) Like, I sit here right now wishing I could go hang out with him, spend time with him. He hops in my thoughts all day. But then we hang out and I don't think I'd go so far as to say I'm just not feeling it or anything extreme like that but it's just kind of an ok feeling. He didn't feel well last night, I could tell, first time he ever smelled and tasted like a smoker. Funny how I'm dating a smoker and I don't mind. Maybe it's the Black & Mild's. They've always had a nice smell, I could always pick them out. It's cigarettes that make people stinky right? Anyway, I'm always going to associate B&M's with him now (that always makes me think S&M XD) It'll be interesting and maybe one day depressing. Why do I see this relationship so doomed??? Am I that not in to him?? Is it all just moving too fast for the relationship tortoise like me? I ease into things and well we certainly didn't do that. I still want to ask him why. It seems like we never really get to talk, or just lay around without him sleeping and I'm wondering if it's just that we both lead busy working lives and he sleeps so much. Well, I certainly can't move in with him now. It will have to wait thanks to his bomb. I don't want him getting any ideas if I'm still willing to just jump into an apartment after he said all that and I saw his reaction when i said 'our place' when we were leaving Myrtle and they wanted a phone number and address. His whole face just lit up. But with the way time flies it'll be no time before it will have been 3 months and we'll see how things are going then. We should have had a chance to talk and we'll see how I feel then. Well, lunch is here. I think I"m done. I'll read this, probably leave on the chunk that I started last week cuz that's the whole point. Free thought. Whatever I'm thinking.

And we had to RUSH out of the house to the airport. That last paragraph is a grammatical MESS, just chocked full of run ons so it's a little hard to read but I'm tired of constantly adding to this, proof reading. I want seperate entries. There's like three in here. So yeah, til next time.

Ok, so I've changed my mind. I will write in this thing. I'm just tired of not being able to vomit everything I'm thinking about and just go bladarehdfjhad. I have to go to this person and talk to them about 'this' but I have to be careful not to mention 'this'. And I can go to this person and talk ALL about 'this' but gotta be careful to not touch on 'that'. And in my head, everything ties back to each other somehow so I'm always left feeling like there are chinks missing in my story, and believe me, when I talk, you get every niggling little detail. It can take me awhile. Which is why, I'm sure, that even if I only update this thing once a month to vomit and complain or vomit and gush that it will be a novel. However, due to the sensitive nature of my information, I may not give you the address to my live journal, however it is out here, and that's the point, so if you stumble upon this and you read something you don't want to then your SOL. This is your warning so to speak, haha. I think this should be on my front page rather than a journal hm? So, I will complain, I will gush, I will probably post art (in fact, I think I might spend my afternoon off making an LJ icon or two), I will probably talk about things I want very few people reading, I have a feeling I will never want my mother reading this, and she will probably find it somehow, someday. She always seems to find stuff like that. I give up though, I'm 25, I'm in charge of my life, I can do what I want, soon I'll have my own place so then I really can do what I want and that will be that. No more guilt tripping me and no more allowing myself to be guilt tripped. I am an adult.
I cant' believe this thing sounds so clear headed, usually I'm such a free form writer it leaves even me going 'huh' at times. Maybe this is something I need or wanted and didn't know.

So I took Lance outside cuz he really wanted outside of his tank. He ate grass and ate some more grass and he's going through a major shed so I'd pick him up and pick at him and then he'd demand to be put back down. Izzy wanted to go out with us. Lance found every dandelion there was to be eaten. But I got some good pictures, cuz I wan to post pictures on here too. I put him back in after like 20 minutes and he still wants out >_> Oh no, he's climbing his log. I just wish he'd put some weight on his boney little frame and he'd be fine. Take it back again, he was just climbing over his log. Except now I can't get the photos off my camera. My prompts aren't showing up, camera side or comp side. :( Makes me worried. Phew, figured it out, good ol' macs. LOVE it. These are my pets, Izzy is my BABY.

What else I like about this Livejournal is I can talk about anything. Like this double yolker I got the other day, how crazy is this? People go their whole life time and never see one, unless you work at Waffle House. I gotsta eat it ^^ Surely that means I get some good luck or something right?


Ok, I think I've had enough for now. It's nice having the house to myself. I had a twinge of sadness when Mom was like 'no more fun time you and me', that was really depressing, but being in the house by myself is nice and I don't want anyone coming home. I think that is a sign I'll be fine on my own. I just really don't want the bills, blah. But I think that's just me, not that I can't do it. I'll probably write another one of these today. Assuming I can't get some alone time.

So I mainly made this account so that I could join and participate in the local communities, mainly fursuit. I may make something of this later on, but seeing as I'm not a big journal'er and this is actually my third journal type thinger created in my life (the other two being untouched, and literally forgotten), I doubt I will XD My more bloggy'ness, if you will, is on my DeviantArt page at www.high-altitude.deviantart.com. Go there to see my art too :) Otherwise, I'm super friendly and uber chatty, so drop me a line sometime ^^